burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
