The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
