im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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