My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize