i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
