FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
