you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize