I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cockslap morals
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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