my mouth tastes like poor choices
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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