I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
