I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
