There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
