Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
