feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
