she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
