she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My vagina just clenched in fear
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
