First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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