and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
