Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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