He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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