Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
