theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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