If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
