You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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