i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
