dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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