i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she peed on how many people?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
