You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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