I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
People in love make me want to vomit
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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