I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
