wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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