Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
