I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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