i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
