So drunk its hurt
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Don't EVER smell your tampon
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
