Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
