I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
