jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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