I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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