My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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