Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
