I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
