found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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