i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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