Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
