just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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