Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
