The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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