My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
