Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
