If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize