You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
