When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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