Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
