I showed him my bush... on skype.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
