Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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