is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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